Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

Success takes us to difficult places. Imagine getting the big promotion and finding the engineer from hell heading the department from which you need cooperation. A flood of feelings can surface – rage, fear, anxiety, going blank, etc. What to do?

First, let me say it is best to avoid trying to get the feeling to go away. Embrace it. Why is that? First of all, it will only intensify if you fight it. Second, in that intensity you can lose yourself and cause havoc to occur. Let’s explore.

The feeling can stem from a number of things. This blog is limited to one source, which has to do with an aspect of the weaker part of psyche. So why bother with this weak part? Shouldn’t one just add to strengths and push through? You can but there is an issue with this when taken to an extreme. A strength taken too far leads to weakness based on a one-dimensional approach to everything. Many people take this approach. Look at it realistically, though. You’ve probably worked with someone like this. Can you recall the feelings you had when around this person? Why should others feel any different about you if you try acting similarly?

If we get down to it, there is a big plus to addressing emotional intensity within oneself. It can work when dealing with others, as the following story will show.

The assignment was in Manhattan with an important client. After checking in at the hotel a phone call was placed to the client. None of my support materials had arrived. Panic!

Going to an office supply store the night manager of the printing department was given my copy of the materials. He promised I’d have copies by 7:30 AM the next day. I felt like a winner!

Arriving promptly the next morning at 7:30 there turned out to be no copies. The day manager became “testy,” to say the least.  Rage and panic surged within me. I started escalating with him and use my strength of pushing through in a focused, insistent way to get things done. Before going too far with that approach a question fell out of my mouth, “Does he do this to you often?” The manager stopped dead and asked, “Do what often?”

“You know, promise at night a job that has to be delivered on your shift and then he just goes home without logging the job or starting on it.” He was surprised and his emotions turned on a dime. “Yes, he does this to me all the time. Serving my customers means a lot to me and I am stuck with his messes!”

I asked, “What can we do? I need your help.”

He replied, “What do you need to get through to noon today?” Immediately I selected the bare bones that would get me by until noon and decided to throw myself on the mercy of the client by making the commitment in my mind we would complete the assignment but for just this morning the work would be rearranged a bit. I was able to get to the client’s on time, abridged material in hand, explain the situation and get down to work. The remainder of the print job was not only done by noon but they delivered it free of charge. The next morning I went back and thanked the day manager.

Acceptance

So what was this about? In a word, “Acceptance”. Acceptance of Powerlessness. The night manager had taken the day manager and myself hostage. The unfairness of life was squatting on our heads.

The freedom to act came through the acceptance of the powerlessness and shifting on the spot to empathy with the day manager and answering the question, “What can we do with what we have?”

Those intense feelings that were starting to surge were about not having control. They had a message within them. They were life knocking on the door going, “Hello, time to go a little deeper to get a little stronger!”

I learned a great deal about letting go of emotionality in that split second when the question came out.

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Tagged as: Acceptance, active garage, center for change management, Change Management, Commitments, emotions, feelings, gary monti, powerlessness, Project Management, projects

Yoda says “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” Wow! Think about what that would look like in the business world: Letting go of winning, power, promotions and bonuses; letting go of being right and other people being wrong; letting go of complaining, blaming and shaming; letting go of stress and worry and all of the underlying reasons for the stress and worry. What would you have left?

Christopher is a Senior Director for a corporation in Atlanta. He’s been with the company just over two years and is extremely loyal and committed to the company’s mission, to the degree that he had a physical and emotional breakdown after giving his all to the project that will inevitably make or break the company. Now, a couple of months later, he currently faces a similar dilemma – this time consciously and this time he realizes it’s not just his body that’s on the line; it’s his soul that could be taken.

“What options do you have, Christopher?” I asked him after his complaining how things are exactly as they were those many months ago. Matter of factly, Christopher responds with “There are no options!” “Really?” I ask. “There are no options?” “Yes, there are no options,” He said: “except to revert to the old me that yelled and hollered to get people to do what they are supposed to do. That means setting myself up for another emotional and physical breakdown, and that’s not an option!”

“There are other options,” I countered. “Let’s look at them.” What I was attempting was to get Christopher to see that one of his options is to leave the company and go somewhere that may be more in line with maybe a more workable situation for him. He didn’t see leaving as an option, nor did he see that letting go of everything he feared to lose as an option, either. Christopher’s perspective offered no option. He’s in a stalemate.

Yoda also said: “A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind.” What does that mean, in Christopher’s situation? By having the deepest commitment and the most serious mind, it’s easier to fully align with that which you are truly committed to. In Christopher’s case, is it the success of the company, his own personal success and the maintaining of his reputation (He fears that if he leaves the company his reputation will be tarnished.) that’s at stake? One thing other thing he is committed to is keeping himself healthy – it’s not an option to sell himself to the devil again. Yet, through my eyes, it looks very much like this is happening. When someone as brilliant as Christopher has no options, he’s a dead duck. He’s given his soul away if he gives himself no options.

We’ve been trained to see the world a certain way, and it’s essential to our survival in many families, communities and business environment, we think, to maintain that perspective, no matter what? Our minds can’t make sense of our reality if it no longer looks the way it’s supposed to. Much like Christopher, we are then faced with no options and no way to move forward, except to do what we’ve done in the past and we know that’s not going to work.

If we don’t want to lose what we are afraid of losing, our egoic self will bend and twist reality in such a way that we experience stuckness. We can feel lost in the midst of bright lights and lots of people. It’s not uncommon for people to experience mental and emotional exhaustion and breakdowns, inevitably losing more than they were bargaining for. Aren’t we a curious species?

The dilemma Christopher faces is because he has a great deal at stake. On the one hand he has his position, his credibility and all that he’s invested in this company. On the other hand his physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health is deteriorating. Attempting to hang on to what he’s got will most likely mean he’ll lose everything.

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose

Where Christopher sees no option, I see he has no options too, but from a different perspective. Unless he opens himself up to the possibilities he currently doesn’t want to see, he will lose everything. My job as his coach is to gentle guide him towards what now appears to be too frightening to accept. Inevitably, he will have to choose to shift his paradigm and experience a reality that he doesn’t yet believe exists.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose

For some this process is a walk in the park; yet for others it can be experienced as a shattering. There’s nothing wrong with a shattering. A shattering is the same as a paradigm shift, it’s just way more painful in every way, you, I’m sure, have imagined. And, generally takes a great deal more time to recover.

What’s right in front of Christopher is right in front of each and every one of us: the opportunity to discover what’s worth losing and what’s not. It all goes away, sooner or later. In this moment, though, it’s just a matter of choosing to choose to choose to be accountable and responsible for the consequence of the choices we make. I hate that part as much as most people do. I want it all good and all easy. When it’s not, I don’t want to look at options I don’t want to take. I’ve learned though that my life isn’t worth living if fear is the only conductor on this train. I’m listening to Yoda and other spiritual teachers in order to create a life worth living. Christopher will make a similar choice, I have no doubt.

Not losing is a no-win game.

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Tagged as: active garage, Dilemmas of being in business, Dr. Rosie Kuhn, emotions, Freedom, Mind, Not losing, Spirituality, Spirituality in Business, Thinking, thought, winning, yoda

Noticing is the most powerful tool for cultivating awareness and for bringing valuable spiritual concepts to the workplace. Most importantly though, is having the intention to notice, in order to notice whether you are noticing or not.

Notice, for a moment, what is occurring within your work environment. Notice the lighting, the sounds, the smells and what the space looks like to you. As you are noticing, notice what senses you are using to notice. Is it just your hearing, sight, smell and your touch? What other senses are engaged through noticing? What’s happening inside your body, what emotions or sensations are present in this moment. Notice sensations, such as hunger, fatigue, stress, anxiety, worry, guilt, anger or aggravation. Notice where are you putting your attention. Notice if you are avoiding, distracting and delaying and what it is or who it is that you are avoiding, distracting yourself from or what specifically you are delaying. Notice, too what it takes to be you in this moment as you notice and bring awareness to your reality.

Lot Going On!

There is a lot going on, isn’t there? By bringing attention to your reality you are able to get clear about what it is that you are creating. By gaining clarity you are then able to notice what choices you are making and the results and consequences that ensue. What’s the quality of experience you are having in this moment? Is this the quality of being you’re wanting to have throughout your day?

Bringing spirituality to the work place is an inside job. It starts with noticing how you be who you be, then deciding whether this is a reflection of the environment you wish to create. Ask yourself this question: Do you really want to be the change you wish to see? If so, what needs to shift within you, then begin to notice how you, yourself is in alignment with that you wish to create. You can only change what you are conscious of, and you can only become conscious by cultivating awareness through noticing.

On a Similar Note

My sweetie and I were playing Backgammon the other night, which we do on a regular basis. This particular evening we noticed that when rolling the dice, there were a phenomenal number of doubles. The odds were against us for rolling as many doubles as we did. Something was being brought to our attention – we couldn’t help but notice it! We played six games and all of them were filled with vast amounts of doubles.

After Backgammon we decided to play some cribbage. Again, we couldn’t help but notice that Todd’s hand or mine had consistently held three of a kind – again, way beyond the odds of it happening. There was no logical or rational reasoning. We had to go outside our current paradigm to understand the phenomenon that was undeniable.

Our world is full of events like this and they are occurring far more often than ever before. We are being asked to look and notice what was once inaccessible to us. The cultivation of consciousness comes when at first we least expect it. Now more than ever we have an opportunity to witness a paradigm shift right before our eyes, at work, at home – everywhere. There is no doubt that this phenomenon is world wide – Universe wide.

Each generation that has gone before us has facilitated a greater and greater degree of consciousness. Many of you have heard, I’m sure that we are standing at the precipice of a paradigm shift. We are generating this shift and at the same time it is being foisted upon us by cosmic activity far beyond our wildest imagination – at least for most of us. Cosmologists – scientists who study the cosmos, totally understand what is causing such a rift in our world. It all makes sense to them.

There’s two ways one can respond when considering this unfoldment of the Universe. We either allow ourselves to be scared out of our wits and bury our heads in the sand, or we watch the extraordinary evolution of our time with fascination and curiosity. Some call it the time of the apocalypse, when we will be paying for the sins of our fathers and their fathers before them. Some call it the end times, but perhaps it is the end of the concept of sin and fear and war and sickness. Perhaps if we take on a practice of noticing we can begin to see the many opportunities to participate in this shift – cultivating awareness that will bring about a different way of being human; shifting from a fear-based paradigm to one based on our essence of being – love, kindness, compassion and creativity; one that inspires each of us to empower others to live into their fullest potential – no holds barred!

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Tagged as: active garage, As the paradigm shifts, Communication, compassion, Dr. Rosie Kuhn, emotions, fear, guilt, love, moods, noticing, Spirituality, Spirituality in Business

Whenever we meet certain people, they trigger a mood within us. Same with objects, places, smells and a lot of other things in our life.   Anxiety, flow, joy, fear, exhaustion… different moods are triggered. We human beings are hijacked by our surrounding emotions. When we watch a movie, we laugh, we get tensed, bite our nails etc i.e we get deeply involved in the movie and allow the same emotions to be in us as the actors. If you look at these situations the common thing is we allow emotions to be triggered in us.

Is there a way where we can choose our emotions?

Just like we choose to enter any room in our house, we  can choose our moods ourselves instead of getting triggered. We humans have the amazing capacity and ability to think before we respond but most of us are not aware of this. How do we use this in our everyday life?

1. Be aware that there is always a mood that is triggered in you, in any situation. All of us have this – it is one of the things that comes along with being human.
2. Decide our mood before-hand: We can choose our mood prior to our encountering something, like beginning of the day or beginning of an interaction. In the morning, we can say to our self that today I choose to be optimistic, happy etc. When we encounter any situation or person the default emotion/mood is triggered, but we can stop it and remind ourselves about the choice we made and immediately choose the mood we desire.
3. Consistent Practice: The difference between a Pro and an amateur is the pro practices his skill everyday rain or shine.  If we treat this habit like a game and practice it daily, it will eventually become a habit.  It will initially be difficult, so, we can try this for an hour or so every day and slowly increase it for a day, then week.. months and then years, until this practice becomes second nature to us.

This is a key skill that entrepreneurs stand to benefit from. Why? Well, lets just say that entrepreneurs have their share of “Situations” to deal with that might trigger the default moods.

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Tagged as: active garage, bad mood, difficult, easy, effective, emotions, Entrepreneurship, good mood, moods, Productivity, situations, vijay peduru

A lot of us are anxious, worried and get depressed most of the time.  A research was done about worries and the following statistic was found

1. Things that never happen: 40 percent. That is, 40 percent of the things you worry about will never occur anyway.
2. Things over and past that can’t be changed by all the worry in the world: 30 percent.
3. Needless worries about our health: 12 percent.
4. Petty, miscellaneous worries: 10 percent.
5. Real, legitimate worries: 8 percent. Only 8 percent of your worries are worth concerning yourself about.

If we look at this statistic, the majority of our worries i,e 92% do not happen and yet we are worried and this worry leads us  to all sorts of  problems including relationship problems and health problems.  Let Mr. Worry be around you a while and you invite a new guest in your life, called anxiety!

If we analyze worries deeply, it is nothing but our stories about a future situation. If the future situation seems unfavorable, worry sets in, you let the story fester for a while, the worry becomes anxiety. On the other hand, if the future situation seems favorable, we feel better and more positive emotions (such as anticipation, excitement etc) set in. Take, for example, the feeling when you are planning to go on vacation, you feel great. Why? Because the future situation is fun. At the end of the vacation you feel depressed. Why? Because you have to return to work you don’t like.

So, how can we overcome worries and anxiety? Here are 2 quick ways:

1. Realize that all our worries are invented by us by thinking that a bad future situation will occur in the future. Remember, these are just stories, they have not yet actually happened… and probably never will.
2. Invent a good future situation by deliberately thinking about the good things which will happen in the future.

Now, think of that next presentation that you have to deliver to the management team… or that public speaking event that has your nerves a bit unsettled… or that next important meeting that has you chewing your nails… all these need not be a source of worry! You just have to first notice the story around the worry… and then change it in your favor!

Good luck!

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Tagged as: active garage, anxiety, emotions, forget about worry, relax, stress, vijay peduru, worry

How does it strike you when there is difficulty and someone says, “Oh, it’s just a communication problem.” Where did that world “just” come from? Is the working assumption communications is effortless, straightforward, and accurate over 90% of the time? My experience says otherwise. I’ve found there is a very common behavior that poisons communications especially in times of change – emotionality. But wait, aren’t emotions healthy? If so, what is the difference between emotionality and honest expression of feelings?

Sorting out the difference and being a leader requires wisdom and a working knowledge of both character and personality along with the interplay between the two. This is the pond in which we will swim in this new blog series.

Can We Talk?

Alfred Korzybski, the founder of general semantics, found that as stress increases; the desire for valid information increases in terms of both amount and frequency. However, unless one has a strong, positive character the desire to actively communicate goes down. People retreat inward. This isn’t to say they shut up. Rather, there is an ever-increasing absorption with the question, “What is going to happen to me!?” Minds start racing and projections of the most horrible kind can take over.

While there might be a great deal of talking there actually can be a dramatic drop in communications. Others become objects seen as helping or hurting us in getting to a stable position.

Understanding what contributes to communications or its breakdown helps a leader decide how to plan and execute the next move. This is where character and personality come into play.

Character vs Personality

Character is the inward set of rules by which one operates. In game theory it refers to one’s rationale for making decisions. This is a bit oversimplified but will work for now. “Character” is a rather neutral term. A hardened criminal has a character just as the judge who sends him to prison. Unless stated otherwise, in these blogs “character” refers to rules grounded in professionalism, empathy, and compassion.

Personality comprises the way we choose to gather information and interact with the environment. To contrast: two people can have similar character traits, e.g., the desire to serve mankind, but have very different personalities for expressing it. One could become a therapist while the other becomes a contractor who builds libraries.

Let’s use this context to examine emotionality.

Emotions vs Emotionality

Emotions are quite valuable. They reflect the variance between our expectations and the current state of affairs. Frequently, these expectations are driven by our personalities. For example, if a municipality with limited funds must choose between a mental health facility and building a library the therapist and contractor could violently disagree as to how best to spend the money. They risk falling into emotionality.

Here is where character comes into play. Leaders look at their feelings and ask, “Are they appropriate for the principles at play?” Essentially, the principles come first regardless of the consequences and emotions are expected to shift accordingly. (Important tip: Reads easy, does hard.)

With emotionality decisions are made based on feelings and seeking to either get relief from or indulge them. Think of a two year old trying to get the upper hand.

Where this leaves us is: an honest expression of emotions with a statement of underlying principles (agenda) supports communication with others while emotionality tears community apart.

If it feels like your project is an adult day-care center and you are wondering what to do just send me an e-mail at gwmonti@mac.com or visit www.ctrchg.com.

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Tagged as: active garage, agenda, center for change management, Character and personality, Communication, Emotionality, emotions, gary monti, Leadership, principles

• Do you want great results?
• Do you want fame?
• Do you want a good return on investments?
• Do you want job satisfaction?
• Do you want to build a shining organization?

The #1 emotion you need to achieve all this is LOVE.

LOVE is the most powerful of our emotions and if you think about the extraordinary things people do for LOVE, imagine the possibilities if you operated with this powerful emotion every day of your life.

Our emotions are things that we share with others in our social interactions. In the same way that we breathe through inhaling and exhaling, we share emotions through expression and reception, be it positive or negative; empowering or dis-empowering; motivating or de-motivating.

Our expressions give those around us a clue as to our moods and quickly influence their emotion and often we are not even aware of how much we have influenced the situation, as this all happens in the background for us. Have you noticed the difference when you do something with a friend as opposed to someone you don’t like? If you think about it, you will assess that you achieve more when working with a friend and the work is easy, yet for the same task with someone who you despise the emotions get in the way and everything feels long and tedious. The outputs usually also show as poor in comparison.

I will share a lovely story that I heard when I was a kid, I hope you will love it too…

This is a story of an elderly carpenter who had been working for a contractor for 53 years. He had built many beautiful houses but now as he was getting old, he wanted to retire and lead a leisurely life with his family. So, he goes to the contractor and tells him about his plan of retiring. The contractor feels sad at the prospect of losing a good worker but agrees to the plan because the carpenter had indeed become too fragile for the tough work of building houses. But as a last request, he asks the old carpenter to construct just one last house.

The old man agrees and starts working but his heart was not in his work anymore. He had lost his motivation towards work. So, he resorted to shoddy workmanship and constructed the house half-heartedly. After the house was built, the contractor came to visit his employee’s last piece of work. After inspecting the house, he handed over the front door keys to the carpenter and said, “This is your new house. It’s my gift to you.”

It’s important to either LOVE whatever you Do or only Do what you Love. Understanding and applying this simple concept will have your emotions take care of you and not you gripped by your emotions. A book, which I am in love with, by Tim Sanders titled “Love is the Killer App” profoundly conveys this message.

As the carpenter lived to find out, when you act without love for what you do, the consequences show up in unexpected places and without noticing it you are closing down many opportunities for yourself.

For me, LOVE is Life Of Valuable Emotions…let it flow freely in every aspect and moment of your life.

Photo Courtesy: Kimberley Faye at Flickr

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Tagged as: emotions, love, naveen lakkur, success